1st Major Road Cycle Of The Winter

As I sit here, I'm treating myself to some turkey and a chocolate chip Snack-A-Jack. Or maybe 2. Or 3..
But I feel I'm entitled to a couple after remaining alive from today's escapades

Today I went out for a cycle. "But you do that everyday?" you will say. Well I know, but this was my first major road cycle of Winter, so it's vaguely more exciting? Not really.

Basically I haven't been out on a bike in so long that my brain was operating on a different frequency than my legs. I left the house with the aim of heading down to the towpath at Scarva, and then cruising up and down that, and then heading back home. Sounds simple?
I have been to Scarva many a time before, I know this end of the country pretty well. I got to Banbridge, about 7-8miles down the road, happy enough. Felt like heading down the carriageway and over the flyover for a bit of a change. Always good riding down a hard shoulder that's rougher than most mountain-bike trails on your road bike, with lorries and buses thundering past you.
Got into Banbridge, little kid hangs out of his car window and gives me a thumbs up, sweet. Hi there distraction no.1. Got to the lights, turned right and headed out the Lurgan Road. Saw two guys up ahead on bikes so tried to catch them. Distraction no. 2. It was only about a mile and a half later when I was almost at the end of the Lurgan Road that I realised that I quite clearly wasn't on the road to Scarva. Up until this point I had been blissfully spinning along in a dreamy state of abyss, then suddenly I realise I'm a mile or two the wrong direction. Palm to the face. Thankfully I hadn't yet made contact with the two lads up front as it would've been a little awkward trying to explain my mental disability to them when I suddenly realised I had to turn round.

So, after slowing down, almost getting cleaned by a bus, and failing at a trackstand, turn round I did. But to add to the general chaos, today must be one of the Transfer Test exam things for kids getting from primary school into secondary school. So just as I was passing the huge school on the Lurgan Road, all the kids were coming out, and there were literally hundreds of cars everywhere. Now this wouldn't have been too bad if I only had to navigate it once, but when I'd got through it all and was beginning celebrating still being alive, and then realised I had to turn back and go through it? I experienced a feeling similar to that of being unexpectedly slapped in the face with a wet fish.
So round 2, all within the space of about 0.5km I got from the footpath on the left hand side of the road, to the middle of the lane of oncoming traffic, into my lane, onto the other footpath, and everywhere in between. Then on the brakes as cars pulled out from every hole in the hedge towards me, on the pedals again, on the brakes as cars stopped in the middle of the road to let other cars out, on the pedals again, then some cars were just randomly stopping altogether so back on the brakes, and then traffic lights that I'd forgotten about until I was through the red light and some kind chap decided to remind me with his horn. Y I so good at this bicycling stuff?..

Then just to top it all off, I hadn't been able to find a clean bottle when I was sorting out bottles thismorning, so had just grabbed a standard bottle of Riverrock or whatever it was and luckily enough it sort of fitted into the cage, or at least I thought it did. It was only when a set of lights turned green and I sprinted off the line, around a corner, bike being thrown from side to side, that I felt something hit off my leg, then my other leg, then my foot. Looked down to see my water bottle in mid-air, laid a brick. Thought I was then going to ride over it and fall off and about 20 cars drive over me and that really wouldn't be so good for the already screwed knees!
So 'oh crap oh crap ohhh crap, don't fall water bottle' was running through my head, and then somehow, it made it's way back into the cage!? Slapped around between my legs and then just popped back into it's cage(the bottle.. you dirty buggers). Maybe I've just found a new skill of communicating with water bottles? Stuff the cycling..

So I made it through level 2 of crazy taxi and was back in the centre of Banbridge. There's a pretty sizey hill up the main street of banbridge, and there was a car infront of me as I was cycling up it. Obviously natural instinct had me sprinting my little life out to catch Lancey Armstrong/the car up ahead. This was when I realised that I was no use at telling water bottles as it finally decided this time to well and truly fall out. Ttyl water bottle xox. I spun on out the road for a good 2 or 3 miles, up the hill on the Old Newry Road, heading out towards the Outlet. The Outlet? But you're meant to be going to Scarva?! Exactly. 3/4s of the way out the road it strikes me that yet again, I'm well on my way down the wrong road. Gooood onnneee Dave.


Finally get onto the mysterious Scarva road and am pretty happy. It's like stumbling across Narnia, minus the snow, talking animals, lamposts, witches and Turkish Delight. So really I guess it isn't much like Narnia, but when you're as spaced out as I seemed to be it did seem sort of similar. Get about 2 miles out the Scarva road and the right knee starts hurting, so once again I find myself having to turn round. Some sort of record for the most roads cycled without ever reaching the end of any of the roads? Send it to me in the post, send me anything in the post. I like letters, thanks.

Monty, out.